The November 2021 Diaries: Day 2

Dear friends,

Hope you all had a great Tuesday! It’s 8:07pm as I begin this post, and I’ll start by telling y’all about a running reference I have to one of my favorite songs from the movie, Kill Bill. The song is called “The Lonely Shepherd”, and I often play this song when I’m feeling lonely or in need of company. I’ve even written a blog post called “The Lonely Shepherd”, because that phrase, for whatever reason, resonates with me during times of unsought solitude.

Today was a Lonely Shepherd kinda day. I’ll tell you what happened that made me feel this way. Basically, I have a friend group in San Francisco, and I love every single person in it. As the holiday season approaches, I grew excited at the thought of all the fun group activities my friends and I could do together: ice skating in Union Square, holiday movie parties, Secret Santa, etc. I expressed all this in the group chat, and even made a Google Doc where I listed out all the activities we could partake in together this holiday season. My excitement was met with lukewarm enthusiasm, evidenced by the lack of reply from my friends. Immediately I felt embarrassed, and wished I could rescind my enthusiastic messages, which honestly seemed innocuous and friendly to me, but could have been perceived differently by others. Maybe my friends don’t like the holidays as much as I do. Maybe the message was tone-deaf against the backdrop of a waning, yet still active, pandemic. Maybe people don’t like me as much as I like them, and thus do not want to hang out with me. I’m not sure if my feelings of anxiety/insecurity are justified, or if I’m just being my usual overly sensitive self. All I know is how I felt the remainder of the day, which was a little bit lonely, a little bit hurt, a little bit sad.

In an effort to process my feelings, I decided to walk, instead of drive, to Bay Club, where I taught a dance fitness class at 5:30pm. By the time I finished teaching and began my journey home on foot, it was dark outside, and with my body aching after an hour of non-stop dancing, I really did feel like The Lonely Shepherd, traversing the levee trail with nothing but moonlight guiding my way.

Despite the strain on my body, the 3-mile (round-trip) walk cleared my head, and I am no longer so emotionally distraught as I was earlier in the day. I also unearthed my FitBit today, which was buried in my desk drawer under a pile of stationary. I used the FitBit to count my steps, which totaled to 12,300, by the time I returned home. According to the C.D.C, 10,000 steps is the recommended amount for the average American adult. So yay, I beat that benchmark by a solid margin!

It’s 8:32pm now, and I am exhausted. I’m going to do some reading and hit the hay early tonight. Love y’all and talk to you tomorrow!

Sincerely,

Bel the Lonely Shepherd

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